Why Eye Contact in Toddlers Isn’t Always Essential

As parents, we’re often told that eye contact is a key sign of connection, attention, and communication. So, when your toddler avoids eye contact, it’s easy to worry. Are they being defiant? Is something wrong? Do they need help? Eye contact in toddlers looks different than it does in adults, and it’s not always the best measure of connection or engagement. Let’s explore why that is, and what other signs of communication and connection you can look for.

Understanding Eye Contact in Toddlers

First, it’s important to know that eye contact is a skill, not an automatic behavior.

Just like walking or talking, it develops at a different pace for every child. Some toddlers naturally use a lot of eye contact. Others may be more focused on what their body is doing or what their hands are exploring. Both are okay.

Toddlers are still learning how to balance all the sensory and social input coming at them every day. Making and holding eye contact takes a lot of coordination between attention, social awareness, sensory processing and even motor planning. That’s a big ask for a little brain that’s still developing!

When Eye Contact Feels Overwhelming

For some toddlers, especially those with sensory modulation challenges, eye contact can feel intense or uncomfortable. Imagine having a bright light shining directly in your eyes every time someone speaks to you. They may feel flooded with emotion.  Or find it to be too intense. That’s how eye contact can feel to a child who is easily overwhelmed.

Instead of looking directly into your eyes, your child might:

• Look at your mouth to focus on your words
• Watch your hands to understand what you’re doing
• Listen intently without looking up

These are still signs of attention and engagement, even if the eyes aren’t involved.

What Eye Contact Doesn’t Tell You

One of the biggest myths is that a lack of eye contact automatically means something is wrong. While differences in eye contact can be an early sign of a developmental delay or neurodivergence, they don’t give you the full picture. It’s just one small piece of a much larger picture.

Instead of focusing only on eye contact, consider the following:

• Is your toddler communicating in other ways? (Pointing, babbling, bringing you toys, using gestures)
• Are they responding to your voice or touch?
• Do they seem curious about the world around them?
• Do they seek comfort, affection, or play in their own way?

These are powerful indicators that your child is connecting.

How to Support Connection Without Forcing Eye Contact

If eye contact feels uncomfortable for your toddler, you don’t have to force it. In fact, encouraging connection in other ways can be even more meaningful and respectful.

Here are a few ideas:

• Get on their level. Sit or lie down so you’re face-to-face without pressure.
• Use play-based connection. Peekaboo, stacking blocks, or singing silly songs can build shared attention naturally.
• Follow their lead. Let your child show you what they’re interested in and join them there.
• Narrate and engage without expecting eye contact in return. Your voice and presence are powerful tools.

Over time, you may notice your toddler start to make more eye contact as they feel safe and understood. Or, they may continue to show their connection in other equally valid ways.

When to Reach Out for Support

If you’re noticing multiple signs of developmental differences, such as delayed speech, limited gestures, lack of social interest, or very rigid routines, it’s worth checking in with your pediatrician or an early intervention specialist.

But remember: every child develops differently, and differences aren’t always deficits. Some kids just take longer to warm up socially, while others may express connection in ways that aren’t always obvious.

Occupational therapy and speech therapy can help support communication, sensory processing, and connection – not by forcing eye contact, but by meeting your child where they are.

Eye contact isn’t the only, or even the best, way to know if your toddler is connecting with you. Look for the other beautiful signs: shared giggles, reaching hands, joyful squeals, or quiet moments snuggled together.

By shifting your focus from “what they’re not doing” to “how they are connecting,” you create space for your child to feel safe, seen, and supported on their own terms.